June 18, 2022

Today was a day filled with a giant pot of emotions. The morning started out great, I got to go to yard sales with my mom to get stuff to sell. After getting home though, I had a trigger and instantly went into a depressed state with suicidal thought racing through my head. This is truly one of the worse things about my bipolar depression when I have days where I rapidly switch. My dad can always tell when something is different, but his knowledge of my mental illness is small, so he ends up making my depressed mood worse due to the frustration of trying to explain my illness. I can’t tell if he asks me what is wrong or if I’m depressed out of care or because he wants me to be cheerful and super happy all the time. To try to get my mood under control I took some medication, which I really wish I wasn’t so dependent on. One I was able to slow my thought down a little, I tried to counter the voice in my head telling me kill myself with thought of how Lauren my therapist would feel if come Wednesday at 11AM I didn’t show up for therapy and she later found out it was because I had committed suicide. Also, how would my dad and mom react to my sudden passing. And thought of if my dogs would miss me. When I get in this mood, I am never fully able to suppress the suicidal thoughts and having pretty much all my friends disown me has eliminated that support. Still as I sit here writing this, I have suicidal thought running through my head and a voice telling me I will never get my life together and that the best way out is suicide. I know I need to find a non-medication way of fight this voice and my thought, but to me I see myself as society has told me I am undesirable, a horrible person, someone not worthy of friendship, and someone that will be alone forever.

My mood did get better later in the night when I got a text from an old co-worker asking how I was doing. I always write a paragraph when I get these texts even though they are often from people that have told me they can’t be my friend or that it is hard to be my friend. I always only get responses to one thing I say, and it just feels to me like a wasted effort because I type so much to reach out looking for someone to care and that is willing to listen, and it feels like it is often just disregarded. My thoughts are in a constant battle over this of whether it is best to not reply but then if I don’t I feel like I am being like all those that abandoned and disowned me. Is it best to go no friends and hope one day I will find people that care, and support me and don’t look at me like I am this horrible person? Will I ever find that person that will be by my side?

Another mood boaster for me that always turns into a mood killer is from a former co-worker that calls me once a week to see how I am doing and to talk out the issues her daughter is going through with mental health because she knows I battel mental illness. It is nice to hear from her every week, but the conversation always ends with, “don’t tell anyone I talk to you or called you.” Is it that embarrassing to be friends with me?

While watching a movie tonight called Father of The Bride, the characters often described each other in a positive light to each other, so this made me wonder, how do people describe me? Is there someone that would describe me in a positive light?

On a closing note, don’t forget to tell someone they matter to you, because someone you know may be going through a secret struggle and may be having suicidal thought on their mind. Always remember, You Matter and you’re story is not over.