June 9, 2022

Still in a low energy depressed in between state of emotions and box. My body is still withdrawing, and I get cravings for the high of being manic. So far, I have been able to stay on a clear path of getting off of the wrong medications, even though my mind keeps telling me to take the pills I have left that made me super manic. I must keep telling myself, although my current state of withdrawal sucks, the newfound clarity and decision making is worth the struggle of withdrawal.

I had class today, and my lab partner is amazing, super sweet and loves to work through labs together, unlike the other people in the class who don’t work with their lab partner if it is an individual lab. Having ana amazing lab partner makes the class so much easier. My interactions with her seem to make it easier to get through class and not have my mind go into think about all the things that are wrong in my world. While our partnership is on for the summer, it is a partnership I will value for the rest of summer.

Although my daily life is different from the past year plus, with a overall lower amount of energy, caused by getting on the medications that made me super maniac, it is truly a life worth living. I know my life in the next couple months are going to change dramatically, I still have this feeling of wonder, a wonder of where my life will take me now that I am on the right medications and have knowledge of my mental illness and how to best deal with it. I purchased a bipolar workbook today to further help me learn to live with my new diagnosis and thrives in a way on I can with my strength to preserver.

I don’t look forward to group therapy in the morning because all I can think of is how I will be losing my therapist soon. All I want to do is build a bigger wall and never let anyone in to hurt me again. I still don’t know how to handle the former friend from yesterday. Do I message her and give her the opportunity to reprove herself or do I just accept yesterday’s encounter as closure to a friendship that never was as strong as I once thought it was.