July 9, 2022

Today I went to yard sales with my mom and bad mental health moments. First of every female that smiled and said hi or made small talk, the voice in my head kept telling me they wouldn’t be doing if they knew how horrible of a person you are. Second every young couple was a reminder to me of what I want, but will never have, that being someone to spend my life with and supports me, cares about me, and loves me. That set off a below average mental health day, because I kept playing the thoughts of the females and their interactions and the thought that if they knew about me, they would not be interacting with me this way. This also made me think if Lauren’s interactions with me as genuine or just because it is her job, and she is forced to interact with me face to face for an hour each week. I truly deep down think she cares about me, but as I am not a mind reader, I have no idea the true thoughts she has of me. I wish I could have a life do over, but as that is not possible, I now must deal with the bad hand I have been dealt.

Out of worry of the outcome of my situation and not knowing how it will end and fear it will end in my mental illness winning, I have decided to make a YouTube series about my struggle with mental health from pre-elementary age to the present. I don’t want my story to be unwritten, so I want to make sure I get as much of my story out there so people know the struggle I have gone through and for hope that someone may watch it and be able to relate. I am also hoping that talking about my struggles and what led to my mental illness that I will be able to overcome it. Only time will tell if getting it out there will help me heal.

Here is the link to my first part

(35) My Mental Health Journey Part 1: Pre-elementary and Elementary Age – YouTube