July 29, 2022

My mental health over the last few days has been on a teetertotter, my manic stage of bipolar is there, but the energy of fighting my racing thoughts and bipolar mind are  starting to take a toll on my body. I have been starting to feel exhaustion that I haven’t felt in a while. I don’t feel like myself anymore, I feel like a zombie going through the motions, with a manic side that is unable to sleep without a cocktail of medications, that take over an hour each night to have any effect. I feel my new feeling of exhaustion is the result of fighting my bipolar racing brain and the only form of relief being medication. I asked my therapist for real help, not the help people keep throwing on me of needing an in patient stay. Anyone that knows my story know that the healthcare system failed me including my primary care doctor and the doctors for my inpatient stay that all told me I don’t have a true mental illness and that I don’t have depression or anxiety and all I have is an inability to deal with life in the form of adjustment disorder. I am to the point now that I am tired of people telling me I need an inpatient stay. I wish people that want to throw that at me would just know my story.

All was not bad thou, Wednesday during my therapy session, I told my therapist despite everything bad about me, she still sees good in me and I don’t think it is just because it is her job. Her reply was not something I was expecting, but it was something I have been wondering for a while what it would feel like. Her reply was a slew of roughly 20 genuine complements and ended with I could go on for awhile more. It brought a feeling of happiness to me that I have never felt before. IT was truly one of the most amazing things that has ever happened to me. Something I hope I one day find in a partner in life, someone that will see the amazing things about me and not look at the bad. It is truly a moment I will not forget. It was definitely a change from the bullying I received the last eight years from people I thought were my friends, telling me I was flirting with someone just because I said hi. Her ability to genuinely complement and with so many questions, was truly better than I could have ever imagined.

A second good moment came my way today in group therapy. While the only other person in group therapy didn’t participate much, she did complement me for my strength and resilience for handling everything I am going through right now and didn’t not tell me I was a horrible person like most of society does. She also commented on my ability to look for a positive life even after the worse case scenario. Kindness truly goes a long way and can change the course of someone’s day. Both encounters make me feel there are good people in the world, and they are entering my life in a time when my former friends have abandoned me and when I am in a mental health fight. They say people enter your life when you need them the most, I truly think this is the case with Lauren and all the people from group therapy. I made sure to return the kindness to the group therapy member because she said she felt like a burden on people because of her mental health struggle, but I let her know those people she feels like a burden to don’t she her that way and love and care and support her through her struggle with mental health. My therapist, I didn’t really get to return the kindness because I was in shock that someone could and would genuinely complement, so all I was able to muster was to tell her she is incredibly nice and kind. To which she reassured me that it was not just her being nice and that she truly feel the way of her complements. Next week I will be sure to let her know the positive impact she ahs had with her one simple gesture.