July 30, 2022

My anxiety is through the roof today. Trying to manage all the last-minute requirement for my summer class between writing a paper and studying for my test next week. Every time I try to study for my test it reminds me that I have to talk to my teacher about possibly taking it later because of another commitment that I can’t miss in the morning that will determine my fate for nursing school and other parts of my life. I know that I am not going to have a fix before my test and other stuff by next Thursday, but I hope that through working with Lauren I can get the help I need for the future and figure out how to control my thoughts and bipolar disorder. I try to think about all the complement she gave me on Wednesday and think about how much she sees good in me and the complements from Friday in group therapy about my strength to deal with everything going on in my life. While kindness and complements have helped my mental state going into next Thursday, I still need people outside of a therapy session that are there for me and support me, but unfortunately every person I ever had for that kind of support abandoned me when my life got tough. When I get new friends, I hope they are so much like Lauren and never abandon me like the ill excuse for friends I used to have that were so easily left me to fend for myself when I entered my biggest struggle of my life. While I do not want those people as my friends ever again and forgiveness is hard to come by when I look back not just on their abandonment of me but also the bully I incurred from them, I still work to forgive them. I wish they knew how much they have destroyed me, but like Lauren says those people have chosen to exit my life so they are no longer privileged to know anything about my life.

In my day to day struggle I try to look at my lack of friends as a way to build strength that I can later apply to my desire to fight for mental health and to end the stigma associated with it. I will continue to share my story in hopes that it will help someone someday. One day greener pastures will come my way, but until then I will continue to build my strength so I one day can hopefully still have even a sliver of the life I desire.