August 26, 2022: Battling My Inner Demons

Final day of vacation before a nine hour drive in the morning. Great time to have a mental breakdown. Lying here feeling feelings of terror and fear. Thoughts of suicide and thoughts of how horrible of a person I am. A rush of emotions that my arsenal of medications can’t Conquer. So, I have decided to resort to the one thing that hasn’t been taken from me, my voice and my narrative of my story how I am experiencing it. No level of kindness and niceness towards others will take this dread away. My psychotic features are winning this war in my head. Not letting my mind capture and process all the good I try to spread. The small chunk of mind power I still has know that I was kind and nice to others today, but my bipolar brain won’t let me have the joy from it. All my voice in my head wants to do is tell me and remind me I am horrible, I am bad. This is why no one wants to be my friend, be with me, or even know me. Why did you get so much to remember this trip when you won’t be around to enjoy them. I wish suicide was an option for me, but my body won’t let me go through with it. It’s almost like it’s in cohoots with the monster in my head and wants to make me suffer for a long long time. They say God can see the good in everyone, well I need to give my life to him to allow him to help me get the best outcome so I can get on to helping people and making a positive impact in this world. Only problem for me is my mental health is so bad I am having trouble defeating this demon. So I pray to God for strength gth to get my mental health in check so I can successfully make the trip home tomorrow. I just wish I had one friend that I could call at anytime to talk me off the ledge and to put thw demon in my head to rest. But, how does someone viewed by society as a horrible person find someone like that?