Nervousness

Nervousness, something we have all felt. It can mean so many things. From attraction, worry, fear, apprehension, stress, concern, or suspense. For me nervousness is something I feel in every social interaction because of years of torment and bullying and judgement by horrible people of all my social interactions. I faced judgment I was flirting with everyone and that I asked everyone out. I could even smile at someone without being accused of flirting or asking them out. Unfortunately for me and my bipolar mind nervousness shown by others toward me always leads me to believe that I make them uncomfortable because they see me a flirting or something worst.

Last week during clinical frontloading a young female didn’t have a partner and neither did I so asked her to be my partner for blood pressure practice and pupil practice. She seemed very nervous interacting with me, which I first took as nervousness for practicing a new thing. But then she made a comment on how cool, calm, and collected I was and how it put her at ease when practicing the skills. The nervous continued, so then my bipolar mind told me that you are making her nervous. So, now for the analysis on the good and the bad. The good first maybe her nervousness was a form of attraction, an attraction to my looks or just my personality, or my niceness. Maybe this is just a preview of how people will view me in the future since in the last 7 months some amazing people have come into my life. But for the bad, my bipolar mind keeps telling me that it was because I made her uncomfortable and my niceness was perceived in a negative manner. So many years of torment and bullying and judgement combined with my bipolar mind has made me always assume the worst.

Now for the second situation. As read in my post, “ode to a nice person.: Last week at the auction house when I picked up my purchase, I interacted with the sweet, kindest, and nicest person beside Lauren and Charlene that I have ever interacted with. No nervousness shown by her at all. So now let fast forward to this week, same girl. The start of the interaction was more niceness and sweetness, but quick turned to nervous behavior, forgetting what she was doing, going down the wrong aisle, and tripping over stuff. So, I made small talk asked her about her Scooby Doo blowup. She revealed she had a son and I asked about him and said I love Scooby Doo as well. But the nervous behavior continued but still with niceness and kindness. So, the hopeful side of me because I truly see so many amazing qualities in her wishes the nervousness was due to attraction. I say this only because once again my bipolar mind and voice in my head tells me that I made her uncomfortable and that she was nervous because she wanted the social interaction to end and hopes to never see me again. Once again, I go back to the treatment, I endured for the last eight years and keep applying it to present interactions.

Now for the other side of my mind, it’s a complicated mind. This part of my mind looks at the positive people that have come into my life with Lauren and Charlene. This part of my mind believes that the torment and ridicule is a thing of the past and that God is bringing those people into my life that will treat me good and be there for me and potential be one of the people I have a relationship with. These are the people that will support me and help me get control of my mental illness. One of the amazing people in my life will be the person that doesn’t care about the backlash or ridicule and only cares about how I treat them and is the person that represents the turning point in my life.  This side of my mind tells me nervous shown toward me is attraction, not necessarily a sexual attraction but an attraction to the qualities these people see in me.

I hope to one day get over the mindset that nervousness toward me is negative, it is a feeling of uncomfortableness toward me and my social interaction with the people. I hope and pray that nervous toward me will one day represent a positive thing and attraction to me either in a sexual manner or nonsexual manner.