Family and Mental Health

Today grief group therapy made me really think about my struggle with mental health, I know weird considering the group is dedicated to grief of a loved one. But one story hit me hard, the suicide attempt of a daughter ten minutes after getting off the phone with her mom. This brought up the question of why didn’t her daughter say something and tell her she was going to commit suicide. Well, this really made me think about my own mental health struggle. I have had a rocky relationship with my mental health, but an even rockier relationship with my parents as it relates to my mental health. First I want to say this is in no way a bashing of my parents, but a reality of why so many sons and daughters are unwilling to tell there parents they are struggling or going to commit suicide. I remember the first time I told my mom about struggling with mental health, I reached out to her to see if my pastor would meet privately with me to help me on a spiritual level with my struggle with mental health and suicidal thoughts. My mom’s response was what’s wrong with you, as if I was broken. She also told me to not tell anyone about my suicidal thoughts because she didn’t want anyone looking at her differently or as having a nuts son. I don’t know why her reaction was so bad, but I truly feel it was the result of a feeling of failure, failure as a mother to protect me from everything. The truth was nothing near that, the truth was my mental health was not caused by her. It was the result of things not in her control. The worst thing for me was that that was the day I stopped talking to my mother about my mental health struggles. More about that in a little bit.

One to my father, I have had the most interactions with him regarding my mental health since he lives with me. I remember after my first suicide attempt, I wanted to tell him that I attempted but I didn’t want him to look at me differently. Going into this mental health struggle from last year that is still going on. I remember calling him up on the phone and telling him that I didn’t feel safe alone at home. Unsafe because I was afraid that I might harm myself and that I needed him to come stay with me. He came to stay with me, but I don’t think he ever truly understood the gravity of my struggle. I always feared disappointing my family with my mental health struggled so I hid it from them. Unfortunately, that was enough and I had my second suicide attempt shortly after. I feel my inability to be truly open about my struggle with my dad lead me to feel like I had no other way to end my pain.  The only time my dad ever took to my mental health struggle was a night I don’t remember much of. I remember making my third suicide attempt but I don’t remember telling him earlier in the night I was going to do it. Over the year and half this struggle went on and it still is going on, my dad would constantly make comment of are you depressed, but it never seemed like it was an open ended question, it always seemed like a you should be happy all the time comment. Fast forward a few months and I tired to talk to my dad about my mental health and it ended badly. It ended with him getting extremely defensive and accusing me of saying he caused my mental health issues. I really wish my family understood my mental health issues and what was going on, but I just feel it always the same them feeling like failures, being embarrassed it people find out, and getting defensive.

To this day not a single member of my family knows I have had three suicide attempts and not a single one of my family truly understands my mental illness and diagnosis. I wish it was easier to talk to my family about my mental health and I wish I could educate them so they know its ok not to have a great day every day, my mental health will never allow it. I wish my family knew my struggle with medications that were prescribed to me that made my hyper maniac and unable to make sound decisions. I truly feel my family will go to their graves and never knowing I have attempted suicide and never knowing the intricacies of my mental illness.

Through my experience I truly understand why the lady in my group therapies daughter didn’t tell her ten minutes before she committed suicide that she was going to do it. You don’t want to disappoint your family and family especially mom and dad are the hardest people of all to say I need help. I am sure in the phone call she wanted more than anything to say mom I am struggling, but unfortunately, she didn’t have the strength, instead it was a final goodbye.

It is truly sad that mental health is one of the hardest things to talk about. There is such a taboo attached to it that parents feel like failures if they child has a mental illness. It so taboo, a child is afraid to ask their parents for help when they are about to end their life. For me the people that care the most about me are the ones hardest to talk about my mental health with. I hope one day to be able to have a talk with my family about my struggles without them feeling like failures and getting defensive. Only time will tell, but I fear that time will never present itself.