August 10, 2022: Is therapy right for me

How can someone that boast your mood so much, also be someone that totally destroys your world. First let’s start with the positive. I love my therapist and I love therapy every week so much that I actually look forward to it the minute I leave therapy for the week. A random email saying she is think of me and hopes all is well, made my day better. Then today, she basically tells me I have the diagnosis given to me by my primary care doctor and inpatient doctors. Telling me I have adjustment disorder and that what I think is a mental illness is just me being unable to handle life events. I hate being told that I just have adjustment disorder and that I don’t have anxiety, or depression, or bipolar disorder. To me it is the biggest slap in the face. Today she told me what I am experiencing is a sane reaction to an insane event. She also told me that I am not someone that present as someone with a mental illness. Just because I dress nice for therapy and because I am able to appear and act normal in my interactions with her. Well, when I look forward to therapy so much and she makes me feel like a good person, there is no wonder I appear ok around her. For that one hour each week, I don’t feel like a horrible person, and I don’t feel judged. Today was a total slap in my face by someone I trust and value. I feel like, just like former friends I have once again been told I am making my mental illness up and that I don’t have a mental illness. These comments affected me so much that I can’t stop thinking about it and I am contemplating if therapy is truly a smart thing for me to continue. Because after today I feel like I once again was stereotyped and stigmatized and devalued by someone in the healthcare industry and a mental health professional. I am now at a point where I feel there is no help for me and wonder if my mental illness is that I am totally full of shit. I pray for a sign, but feel I am too far gone for help.