August 13, 2022: New struggles emerge in the form of past trauma

The mental torment set into motion by a simple statement that I do not present as someone with a mental illness and that I am having a sane reaction to an insane event is still affecting me today. I worry about the confrontation on Wednesday at therapy because the last time I made a negative statement in regard to therapy the group therapist ratted me out and destroy my trust of that therapist. No I fear I was ratted out again and will once again have to face the awkwardness. Being ratted out again will truly make me lose all confidence in sharing during group therapy. Why talk about something that is truly affecting your mental health if you are only going to have your mental health destroyed more by the elimination of trust.

All of these attacks on my mental health, have brought about many thoughts and memories. The most vivid memory being when I went to my then girlfriend’s dad’s birthday party and was bullied and verbally insulted for the duration of the party by her dad. And I just took it and bottled up the anger and sadness and then added more by the idea of my then girlfriend not being willing to stand up for me. All this makes me realize that I am what people would call an easy target, a bitch, a pussy, someone unwilling to stand up for themselves and someone that just takes the abuse and bottles it up. This is obvious to me when I think about the over eight years of bullying at my last job, and my unwillingness to stand up to my then girlfriend’s father, and by my inability to stand up for my mental health when I was constantly told I have nothing wrong with me, just my inability to handle life through an adjustment disorder only diagnosis. This is even obvious in my inability to fight for control of my life in a time when I feel I have no control over it and my inability to stand up to my therapist and tell her that her remarks hurt me. Now as I sit here writing this, I still can’t get it out of my head and I can’t stop thinking maybe therapy isn’t for me and there is truly no help for me and my mental illness. Others think I am a fake, a fraud, an attention seeker, and a giant liar about my symptoms. When it is real to me, my mental health struggle is real every day. I have thoughts about how grand death would be and how I am just a bitch, a pussy, and a verbal punching bag. How is it supposed to be okay to not be okay, when you aren’t ok but you feel like you can’t talk about it or be not okay.

I don’t want to be this person anymore, I don’t want to be an easy target, I don’t want to feel not okay and have to put on a front. I want people to love me for me and treat me like I matter not that I am there for their comedic purposes. I wish I could find people that understand me and value me for what I have accomplished with all the abuse and trauma I have been through. Right now, I feel like it is and will always be just me and the monsters inside of my head because we are the only people that seem to be able to tell that there is a mental health war going on in my head.