August 16, 2022: Is it truly okay to not be okay.

Anxiety and worry are the two emotion I feel when thinking about therapy tomorrow. Will it be an awkward session created by the event of last week and the group therapy therapist ratting me out to my therapist. Why go to therapy if not to talk about think that are causing you issues with your mental health. I know other use it as social time, but for me I struggle with mental health everyday of my life whether people are willing to acknowledge it or not. I am a giant mess of emotions and have the voice in my head that promotes negativity. All my emotions regarding therapy are not negative, despite last week’s session affecting me mentally, I generally do like my therapist a lot and will always hold dear to my heart how she has made me feel, when others were about attacking me mentally or ending their friendships with me when I needed them most. I still struggle with the idea that many people promote of it being okay to not be okay, when in society’s eyes it is not okay, and you are viewed as a lesser or broken or for someone insane. For myself all my life I have tried to hide my struggles from the world and not show vulnerability because it would give those that bullied me most of my life more ammo. Yes, I would love to just lay on the couch all day and stay in my sweats all day, but that is not an option because others may see my weakness. I would love to ask for help, but everyone’s idea of help is always an inpatient stay, when all I really need is someone to be there for me and support me instead of abandoning me like all my former horrible friends.

Some if not most people that see me may feel I don’t act or look like someone with a mental illness, but that is the furthest from the truth. I struggle every day, most day very much. I am not okay and I wish those around me made me feel like it is as the often used mental health slogan, okay to not be okay.