I’m Back

I have been gone for awhile, I had my voice taken away by a hurtful message. I have since received more, but I realized from some nice women in my life, that I can let hurtful people take my voice. Being silent helps no one, it doesn’t help myself and it doesn’t help anyone that what I have to say could reach. So, it is today that I fully take back my voice and continue my mental health journey by sharing my thoughts and experiences and make an attempt to verbalize all my bipolar thoughts. So, I hope you enjoy that I am back on my blog bipolartater.com and on TheMighty.com. Hoping for positivity, but I understand negativity will always be there especially when you are sharing with the world. God Bless all of you and I pray that my thoughts help someone out there.

March 2^nd, the day of my third suicide attempt., the day I truly realized my mental health had taken a turn, a turn for the worse, a turn that would put me on a collision course not only with my health, but with my mind more specifically the voice that lives in my mind. The voice that constantly says, “Die, Nathan, Die no one will miss you.” The voice that many times a week manifests itself into vision, vivid images that put ways to achieve what the voice tells me to do, to die. This is voice that will live with me for my life, but it is a voice that I have chosen to not let win. I have recently been told that I use my mental health as an excuse to commit bad things and this is something when I read that my mind let feel was true. Then my new grief group started and I saw the hurt people were experiencing and I left it sink in. My anxiety hit and my fear of judgement started taking over and then I heard the group member talk about how other people made their hurt worse. This made me realize I needed to speak and I needed to me present. The best thing you can do for someone struggling with mental health is to be present. Be present for them, show them you care, even its just sitting with them in silence.  Speaking in the group got me so much thankfulness and it made me realize that God put me here for a reason and put me in that group for a reason. This made me realize that I can’t let a horrible person take my voice away. IT made me realize I can truly make a difference in the lives of people. I may not be famous, but I have a passion, a passion for mental health and helping people.

Back to my original subject, living with the voice in your head is tough and many people may label you as crazy or just plain full of shit. How can someone have a voice, a voice that like the movie Inside Out. The voice is like a tiny little person living with your skull. A voice that some days may pump you pull of encouragement, but can also choose to tear you down, over analyzing your ever misstep and telling you you’re not good enough. For many this represent a huge part of their mental health struggle, I know for myself this is voice or little person inside my mind that I will live with forever. A person that for some reason wants me to end my existence despite its existence relying solely on my existence. The voice in my head has been with me through the great and the darkest times of my life. It has been with me through rejection and through some of the most amazing moments of my life.

So how does this relate to being present for someone else. Being present tells that person going through a struggle no matter what is going on in your head I am there for you, I am here for you to talk about whatever in going on in your head. The mind is a powerful thing, it can protect you from horrible memories and trauma. For me my mind did thing for me, for many of my traumas, but one day it seemed I hit a maximum capacity of storage. That day came when my then girlfriend told me she cheated on me and that I never loved her, cared about her, or supported her, and that I was just not attractive to her. This moment placed me on the collision course with my mental health. IT would be the time that I needed to seek help because my brain no longer had the ability to shelter me from my trauma. This moment turned my voice in my mind into the monster in my head. It brought constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm, it brought back memories of other past traumas. Traumas that were not fully hitting me. There day would later come when I started therapy. The thing that saved my life was when I meet my therapist and she was just present, present to listen to me and actually care. Despite it being her job to be present and to listen, it just felt different. Every trauma and every struggle she was just present, present I the moment, present in a way like saying I am here and I will let you talk about your trauma and struggles and not force you into anything. Being present is something I feel when I am in my grief group. I am present for the other members as they are for me. All the group members decided to be Facebook friends and this morning one of them messaged me and asked how I was doing and if they could pray for me. It was touching. Then the person finished it off my just simply saying, I am here, I am here for you, I am here, and I care. It such a small gesture, yet it was a hugely touching gesture. I am gracious for the kindness of this person.