July 11, 2022

I finally read the email from my therapist today, it seems like she liked my gratitude statement. Nothing negative in the email, but I still fear that will look at me differently in a negative way as being a weirdo and creep. I hope that it truly made her day and I hope it got the same reaction as face-to-face complement do. I hope it made her day better despite all the probably unneeded worry I gave myself over it.  

Yesterday, I got a call from a former friend because someone that used to support me and be my friend read my blog and confronted her about what I wrote. It was sad that my blog was used for something negative. I only want my blog to be somewhere for me to express what I am going through and hope that someone can relate or use it in a way that they can make a positive impact on someone else’s life, not something that will be used in a negative way. It truly makes me sad that this has occurred, but I talked it through with the person that called me, and we have come to a general understanding on both sides. The negative action truly made me realize why the caller does what she does to protect herself and myself.

Today, I have a internal partial breakdown during class, while thinking about what if I am the horrible person they say I am and I lose schooling. It will truly be a hard blow for me to handle as I want to be the person that changes how patients with mental illness are treated. I want to be the nurse that the patient looks at and knows they are there for them and understand what they are going through. I hope to be someone that help end the stigma of mental health, especially in the healthcare setting. I still to this day will never forget, a few days after my last attempt reaching out to a nurse and being told by her that she will teach me how to do it right next time. It makes me wonder if she told a coworker that she has know for eight years that, what does she tell her patients.

Once, I got home it was studying and trying to keep material and studying on my mind, but I still had my mind drift and wander into thought about how much my life is falling apart right now and how I truly have no one I can talk to about my problems outside of my therapist. I have been abandoned by so many people and since they don’t talk to me anymore, they will never know the destruction they have caused in my life and how much harder they have made my current struggle. Mental health is hard enough without the abandonment of the friend that you thought were they for you.

Always remember how much one single person and one single action can impact someone’s life. Be the change and be the person that makes a positive impact on someone’s life. You never know when you someday might need someone to do that for you.