July 12, 2022

People say I am broken, but what truly is broken. Am I broken because I am not successful like they are or because no one wants to be my friend or with me? Or are they who say I am broken, truly the ones that are broken. Does admitting you have a mental illness and seeking help make you be what society labels as broken. I feel not, I feel admitting you have some problems and seeking help is a strength not a weakness. Things that a what society labels as broken, are not truly broken if they are seeking help. If you a broken you can be fixed, but you need to have the courage not let society’s views and stereotypes stop you. There is no better strength than being able to stand up to the stigma and get the help you deserve. For those not able to seek help because of society’s views, they are not broken, they are instead repressed by the stigma and those that want to label us as broken. In all reality those that stigmatize and repress those that need a little help, as in fact the one’s that are broken. It is a shame that those people that stigmatize and bring people with mental illness down, are in positions of power whether it be nurses, doctors, politicians, and the list goes on. I had my experiences with people in healthcare roles before telling me they would teach me how to commit suicide successfully, or telling me that I am a manipulator when I was seeking help from the people I thought cared about people in need of a little help, or the healthcare worker that recently told me that I am a horrible person and should kill myself. I say f*** every healthcare worker that has ever tried to make me feel broken, because you are truly the broken one. I say f*** you to every healthcare worker that used to be my friend and have abandoned me during my current healthcare crisis, you are truly not what a healthcare worker should be. If you can’t be compassionate or there for someone you have known for many years or stereotype and stigmatize me, then how can you be any different to a person you just meet and are required to provide them care. When I used to work in healthcare it amazed me how many nurses would talk badly about patients with mental illness, acting like they chose to have a mental illness or talking about why they would come to the hospital if they want to die why not just stay home and die. I now realize these people are not in healthcare to help people, they could give two s****s about the patients they are caring for, instead they are just there for a paycheck. It because of these a******s that healthcare in so stigmatized for people seeking help.

Someone today was asking me about my life and if I am single. I told them yes and they told me to find someone that looks about the way you look at them. I got think yea that would be nice, but for right now everyone looks at me like a piece of s***. I see so many amazing people and look at them like they are amazing, but for me it is not like looking in am mirror, no one is looking at me like I am truly amazing.

Today was a decent day overall, forgot my lab book for class though so I had a mini anxiety attack. Luckily my dad agreed to bring it to me. I had a test for my class today, didn’t think it went the best, but ended up getting a 99%. My lab partner only got an 85%, but I still hope every test she gets an A. I truly hope for her success in the class and think she is a smart intelligent woman. I am nervous for therapy tomorrow as it is the first time, I will see my therapist since giving her the gratitude statement.