July 16, 2022

Do struggles truly make you stronger and does strength to overcome adversity translate into people see you as a stronger person and someone that they want to be associated with? These are some of the thoughts going through my head today, as my mind constantly thinks if I will ever have friends again and if anyone will ever want to be in a relationship with me. Also, in my thoughts of if it is ok to feel down and depressed when faced with struggles or reminders of the struggle I am currently facing. I know there is a giant struggle in my future, but my day to day lately is not filled with thoughts of that, my thoughts are more geared toward me just living a normal life, unless someone mentions my struggle. My may struggle in my day to day is that I have no friends, and no one wants to be my friend anymore and that love is completely off the table for me. Will anyone ever see the true me that I think I am, or will everyone continue to see me as scum, a loser, trash, and unworthy of friendship? My envy level is extremely high as of late, every time I see a couple, it makes me want that, every time I see someone interesting, I try to smile, but usually get nothing back or they just look at the floor. I am starting to feel my bipolar brain coming into the mix and telling me not to venture out in public, so I don’t have to feel this new type of rejection in my mind to add to the fall my previous friends ending their friendship with me.  I feel like once I learned to manage one part of my bipolar brain even the slightest, a new area of my bipolar brain opens up to add to what I have to figure out how to control. For now, I will keep thinking of the one positive person in my life and tell myself there are people like the individual that can be my friend and will want to. My mind today keeps telling me that next time I see my therapist that I need to ask her why she hasn’t given up on my like everyone else in the world, is it because she sees good or is it just simply because it is here job.