July 19, 2022

I have written in my blog in a couple days because what I write hurt people. But I don’t write to offend or hurt people, I use it as a form of therapy and to share what is going on in my life and hope that I can help someone going through a struggle. But I am always honest, and I don’t sugar coat what I write because I want it to be genuine. So, I am sorry to those what I hurt.

So, let’s getting into today. School was fun, I love school even though it will soon be taken away from me. My lab partner always treats me nicely and always jokes around with me, just in a genuine way not like my former friends that joked to humiliate me and make me feel horrible. Her and the other females I interact with never look at me like I am flirting with everyone I interact with; they instead treat me like a normal person interacting with them and joking around with each other. Granted they don’t know my story, but still it the closest thing I have had to normal interaction, ones I don’t have to feel like I am being stereotyped and labeled as something I am not in many years. It is nice and the closest thing to normal for me in my life. I hope to one day find friends that treat me like that and some that treat me like Lauren does.

The one friends that still talks to me called me tonight. I feel like now that she knows she was making me feel like garbage by telling me that not to tell people she talks to me, that she is trying to be a friend again. It is nice having the social interaction every week or so, but I feel like she will be a friend for the foreseeable future, but not the type of friend that I make in the future. Although I still feel a strong bond to her due to the kindness of her daughter and support from her daughter through my mental health struggle.

A few days ago, I got a message from a former friend stating it hurts her with what I write, I still have not replied because I am hurt by the abandonment, I felt by her when my mental health struggle and life when to crap. I feel though I am getting to the point that I am no longer hurt as much by the friends that ended their friendship the day my life went to shit. While I don’t want to reply because of fear the hurt I felt before will come back again, I feel like a mature thing to do will be to reply but replay in the manner that Lauren told me to whenever I face social interactions with all the people that have end their friendships with me when times got tough for me. As I want to document my life during my mental health struggle I will use my blog to practice my statement to her:

I felt hurt by all those that end their friendship or said they could no longer support me the day I needed friends the most. I felt abandoned by those I felt would support me through anything and would be friends forever because of the bonds we created. Boy was I wrong, I lost so many friendships that day that I am pretty sure I may qualify for a Guinness world record. I needed my friends; I need someone to be t here for me and no one was. No one want to be friends with what peopled labeled me as, a horrible person, a piece of shit, someone that doesn’t deserve to live and should just commit suicide. Do you what it is like to receive over two hundred messages on messengers, from people you know and people you don’t telling you how horrible you are and telling you that you should kill yourself. Do you know what it is like to get on Facebook after you though t you deleted it to find that people you are friends with plastered horrible news about you all over Facebook and ripped you apart. I do and I know what it is like to go through this with no support system, with no friends, and with no one that cares if you live or die. Do you know what it is like to have no recollection of a horrible action people say you did. I do and I know what it is like to be put on the wrong medications that are totally mess you up and the doctors tell you that you are making it up and just can’t adjust. I could go days with no sleep, because I was on a manic high form the wrong medications that messed up my ability to make sound decisions. I know realize that the friendships I had were for the most part toxic, and I was there punching bag that gave them enjoyment by bringing me down. Real friends don’t label you a flirt and ridicule you for every interaction you have with people. Friends don’t tell you that you flirt with everyone, when you are just being you, a genuine nice person that like to joke around with people. I spent eight years of being labeled and having every interaction ridiculed by people that I thought were friends. I was despite for friends that I put up with it. But now I realized that the constant ridiculed turned me from someone that could talk to anyone and have interaction that made people want to truly be around me and talk to me into someone with severe social anxiety that is afraid to talk to anyone and puts a wall up to keep all social interactions away. It is not right what people put me through and how they have mentally destroyed me and completely changed me. They say people change people and I always thought those that I called friends were changing me for the better, but I was blind and unable to see they were not changing me for the better, but were instead changing me for the worse. So, now I am some with one friend if you want to call Amanda that, a therapist that seems to care, but I don’t know if she does or if it just her doing her job. I am a person afraid to talk to anyone for fear of judgement and abandonment. I am now someone that will be alone forever for the obvious bad that is going on in my life, but also because I have such severe social anxiety created by my former friends and coworkers that I will never just myself out there. So, let’s be honest no one will ever accept me for whatever becomes of me and because of how fucked up my former friends truly made me. So, love, friendships, and any relationships are gone, so I now try to learn how to truly master a solo lifestyle with no social interactions outside of my family and a battle with mental health. I just wish I had the courage to stand up to the workplace bullies and not let’s ignorant people change me. I wish I didn’t feel the hurt I feel for all the friendships I lost, but that hurt is truly not because of me, that hurt is because of all those that have hurt me and destroyed my mental health. And it may hurt you, but I will stand by my statement, if the healthcare workers I used to call friends can’t show compassion to someone they knew for over eight years, then how can they truly show compassion to someone they just met. I understand people are allowed to choose who they are friends with, but true friends don’t just abandon a friend in need especially someone they have known for so long when they are supposedly caring people because of their job role. I am glad that I have given these people someone to talk badly about, because I know it will take the bad talking of a patient going through a struggle away.

In closing whether you justify my feelings or not, I am allowed to feel abandoned because that is what I went through, I am allowed to feel horrible because I have been told I am, I am allowed to feel sadness and fear because of the social anxiety I now have thanks to ignorant people, and I am allowed to feel sad because no one on this earth outside of my therapist is able to accept me or be able to stand to interact with me. Finally, I am allowed to feel alone because everyone despite how shitty they truly were to me ended their friendship with me that day my life went to shit.