July 21, 2023

I have been away for a long time, six months of it from being in jail, but after getting out the last two months have been struggling with who I am and how I will find the ability to get self esteem and live in a society that continues to judge me. Mental health is a tough thing to deal with. Made even harder to deal with when done alone. An even harder in a society where people see you based on a single mistake you made in your life. I have lost more friends than I can either count or remember. I have one friend left, but over the past two months I feel like that friendship has drifted away too. I have tried to make new friends, but unfortunately that isn’t easy for me because so many people judge me based upon a mistake that happened last year. I wish I could make just one friend, one friend that will be there to help me through my mental health struggles when they come, someone that will be there for me on the best and worst days. Man do I wish I had a friend. I keep telling myself one day I will have a friend like that. Over the past month bad things keep happening to people in my life and I can’t help feeling all the bad that is happening to them is directly a result of how horrible of a person I am. My mind keeps going back to the 250 plus Facebook messages from people I knew and didn’t know when my life went to crap last year telling me I am horrible and should rid the world of a horrible person. Over the past month I hit a deer with my dad’s car, my dog developed a growth in her mouth and needs surgery and I don’t know how I am going to pay for it, and now today a local grocery store is accusing my mom of theft for forgetting an item on the bottom of her cart. Part of me has a bad feeling about my mom and that suicide on her mind. And my friend that I have but I feel is drifting away went on a trip and had her engine blow. I just can’t help feeling being related or associated with me is having my karma brought against them. I am honestly a mess and just feel I am bad for everyone and everything. This is why I wish I had a friend t