July 24, 2022

I found out today that my blogs remarks ruffled more than one person’s feathers. The disagreement comes from my belief that the hatred and negativity shown to me by my former friends reflects on how they treat others with mental illness. A former friend told me that quality care isn’t affected by views, but I disagree because when I worked in healthcare, I had a coworker tell me she would teach me how to commit suicide and be successful next time. Also, regardless of how average patient care is great by a particular person doesn’t mean they are treating the most stigmatized portion of patients good. My comments are not about all healthcare workers, because I have truly met some of the most caring and compassionate people when I worked in the healthcare industry, that put patients first no matter what was wrong with the patient even if it was mental illness.

Today was a particularly hard mental health day, I spent a majority of my day trying to get my mind to stop reflecting on things that are out of my control, that being my life in the future. It got so bad I had to medicate which I hate doing because then I feel like a zombie. Feeling like a zombie is no day to go through your day. I need to find ways to handle my bipolar mind. I am afraid to mention it to my therapist ro reach out for help finding a way to get my mind under control when it goes bad. I fear her response will be the same as one of the reactions I get lately of I need to be admitted to the hospital, that I am a faker, or that I am not worth helping. My main fear lies in being told I need to be admitted to the hospital rather than providing the help I truly need and that is help finding a way to handle my bipolar thoughts and mind. If I continue to struggle, I may need to ask for help on Wednesday from my therapist. Here’s to hoping she offers to help me in the way I think I need help and not just tell me I need to be admitted to the hospital. Because telling me I need to be admitted will only result in remorse, anger, and a genuine loss of trust towards her and a loss of my view she wants to truly help me. I have tried the hospital route before to only be told nothing was wrong with me other than being unable to adjust to the changes in my life. I truly need to change the version of me that I am for the future, because the me of the last eight years of being a victim of bullying that created a enormous amount of social anxiety is not the me I want to be.

I made a YouTube video to discuss my struggles with bullying and being stigmatized by the healthcare industry.  Please check it out https://youtu.be/sx5zw1jm8Io