July 5, 2022

I have posted in a while because I have been in major mental health battle. I have been battling thoughts of suicide and major depression caused by the news I received that will significantly change my life and cause me to lose nursing school. I have also been battling thought that I am a failure and an embarrassment and with generalized thought of what life is going to look like for me and how I will get my life under control and create purpose in it. Friday’s group therapy included but me and another guy. So I talked about my struggles I was going through and as soon as I mentioned having suicidal thoughts the other person in the group therapy session instantly attacked me telling me I am stupid and take I am not thinking about all the people in my life and that I am being selfish with my thought. Having suffered many years with suicidal thought and being a suicide attempt survivor, I know that his comments are the furthest thing from the truth about suicide, but it still effects my mental state. I don’t want these suicidal thoughts going through my head or the voice in my head telling me to kill myself, but with all the struggles I am going through it has become a reality that I need to overcome. I feel like the thing that will help me control my thought is when I find someone willing to give me a chance and hire me. I miss working even thought I have my reselling business it isn’t enough. I miss having person and developing relationships. Even though it still destroys me that with all the relationships I forged, not a single person wants to support me through my struggle. I have officially lost the last person that was still my friend because people found out she was talking to me still and she didn’t want people to know. I need to find people that can speak of my character, but with no friends it is going to be impossible, that is why I am slowly seeing what the voice is telling me as being the truth. That is that suicide is going to be my only option very soon. With no one to speak of my character I am basically screwed and have no shot at a chance to have a life.

The rest of my weekend was ok. I got to take my ATV out with my dad and then my mom and her husband came over for a cookout. It was nice to see my family, especially if I will soon have only the option of ending my life. In case of the worse I have decided to start selling of my possessions so my family can have money from me to take care of my burying. I do not want a funeral, I just want to be laid to rest if I end up ending my life. I pray for a better option and for someone to give me a chance and that I can find people to speak of my character. I guess we will see how therapy goes tomorrow, but I already know that nothing will be accomplished in my hour session. I need more therapy than an hour each week right now to get through the struggle I am in. I realize now it is up to me to get my mental health in check and to make positive strides in my life.