June 17, 2022

I wasn’t excited for group therapy today because of last week’s events of my worries being misunderstood by the therapist that then reported to my actual therapist. In the last thirty minutes of group, I remember why I show up each week and why I still feel I will be able to make a positive impact on people’s lives. Two of the group members were first discussing how I have made a positive impact on their lives why introducing them to the idea of showing gratitude for people and how it not only makes them happy, but it boasts your own happiness. A second thing these group members were discussing is how I am always so positive about my therapist and how I always say nice things about her. The said it is encouraging to them because they don’t connect with therapist and have not of silence. Which is not something I experience. I am the exact opposite and wish individual therapy was longer or more frequent. Toward the end of group therapy, I was discussing how last week’s therapist reported me to my therapist and instantly like a family and friends like I want, they offered their support, something I have not experienced outside of my therapist.

On the school side of things, I have my first test for the class on Tuesday, my teacher and lab partner have made a high standard for me that I feel I need to live up to. Scoring the highest grade in the class for my two prerequisites for the class, has now made me feel I need to once again prevail and get the highest grade in the class. Unfortunately, medication changes and withdrawal symptoms are making studying a slight bit harder. My anxiety is a high that I haven’t had in a couple of weeks.

My hypomanic mind today has been up to lots of thoughts and analyzations. Thoughts of what the new people that have come into my life over the last several months truly think of me, do they view me as an embarrassment and horrible person like all the friends I have lost, are they able to see the true me and think I am still a great person, or do they have an entirely different view of me. I think what if someone in the world looked at me the way I look at my therapist, as an amazing empathetic person with a kind soul. What would it feel like to truly get a genuine complement about the person I am and am becoming with my ability to manage my bipolar disorder now that I have the diagnosis and medications? What would it be like to have a friend or someone that generally cared about me? Not like the messages I still get from random people telling me I am a horrible person or should kill myself to rid the world of a horrible person. Despite all that my life lacks, I never want to give up showing gratitude towards those that are helping to save my life. Please always remember to be kind and show gratitude and give complement where complements are due, you never know it could change someone’s life. One realization my crazy brain has allowed me to realize is the nice gesture by my therapist to switch from online to in person therapy which has allowed me to have an hour of judgement free and supportive interactions with a real human face to face. It has truly gotten me out of my judgement bubble that I feel every day.

Always remember show gratitude to others it will not only bring them happiness, but you will get a benefit of happiness as well. Also don’t be afraid to give complement where complements are due and never worry about the judgement of others. The me of 4 months ago was always afraid to give complement especially to the other sex because I was always told by people that I was flirting or that it isn’t normal or acceptable for people of opposite sex to give each other complements. I have now learned those people were wrong and they were just selfish and unwilling to express themselves to increase the happiness of others. If a relationship ever begins because of me showing gratitude great, but I am going to continue to show genuine gratitude for others, as it makes my day all the better.