June 20, 2022

Today was another tough mental health day my mind and the voice in my head telling me I am about to lose everything that I value in my life right now: school, my house, and the support of my family. This create such worry for me because of attempting suicide multiple times before and an almost execution of a fool proof suicide plan for a 30-minute death a few months ago that was only stopped because of me telling my dad is my ultra-manic state of mind. Despite all my struggles, I will want to continue my push of sharing my story and not caring about judgement of others due to stigmas associated with mental health. I pray that my blog and continued willingness to share my story and struggles will help one person going through a struggle just looking for something or someone to relate to. My outspokenness has resulted in several mental health advocacy groups and organization reach out to me about being an ambassador, but I feel I need to get my own mental health in check before I can even think about becoming an ambassador for mental health other than my blog and social media advocating for mental health. I am still not sleeping much because of being manic still form stopping some of my medications and unfortunately, I am becoming bad with money because of the manic and because the voice in my head keeps telling the end is near so spend it. I try to counter it will the notion that I can just earn the money back through selling stuff, but I have no time ever to sell stuff.

One good thing from today is my lab partner was in my class today and she always talks me up to people for being a smart, but while it is a nice thing to say, it creates anxiety in me that makes me feel like I need to continue to perform well, or I will look like I am not what she thinks I am.