June 21, 2022

Today was a relatively good mental health day, although I found out one of the people that told me they couldn’t be friends with me, had lost her grandfather a few weeks ago. So I am at war with my brain of what to do. Do I messaged and say sorry for your loss because I feel bad for her loss or do I remain silent because of the fear of opening a old wound that it will open me up for more ridicule from her of being told it is hard to support me and be friends with me. I want to do the right thing, but by doing the right thing I could be hurting my mental health recovery because I feel doing so will tell them what they did to me was ok and allow them the opportunity to do it to me again. Why does doing the right thing have to feel like it is doing the wrong thing for my mental health? Does not doing the right thing, make me the same type of person they have been to me?

Class today was great because I truly have an amazing lab partner that thinks the world of my intelligence. She will never know that she is the only other person beside my therapist that has a single positive view of me. We took a test today and I got a 93%, but I still feel like a complete failure because I didn’t get a 100% on the test. Why does my brain have to tell me that I am a failure even though I got an A.

My admiration for my intelligence from my lab partner makes me think what would it be like and fell like to find someone in this world that has a complete over all positive view of me? And what would it sound like? It would be a far cry from the view people of had of me my entire life of being ugly, a nerd, undatable, a loner, a loser, and the recent views of me being a horrible person that should just kill myself. I hope to one day to find that one person that has a genuine good of view of me and get to hear it to see what it would feel like. I know how it makes me feel to express my views of people to them, so I feel it would be a million times better feeling.