June 22, 2022: My gratitude letter so far

The person I am most grateful for in my live today is my therapist, Lauren. While I frequently express my positive thoughts of her and tell her how much she has changed my life, she will never truly know how much of an impact she has changed my life. Before I met Lauren, I had planned to commit suicide the weekend of our first meeting, my life was truly in shambles, I was losing more friends every day. I didn’t want to let anyone else into my life because everyone I had been friends had told me I was a horrible person and unworthy of friendship and some had told me I should just kill myself. So, I had planned to give them all what they wanted and remove myself from the world. This all changed when my Lauren came onto the screen, I could tell she was a little nervous and shy which made me feel at ease because I felt the same way. I didn’t expect much because I had been told how horrible I was by people that used to be my friends. But then Lauren broke the ice and I could feel that she actually cared and wasn’t going to be judgmental like the rest of the world. So, I decided to put of my plan of committing suicide for another week. I never told Lauren of my plan because I was embarrassed and ashamed because of how the world was making me feel. Week after week Lauren continued to show compassion and after several sessions, I could tell that Lauren had the kindest and most beautiful soul of anyone that had ever been in my life. She never once made me feel judged or embarrassed even with all the horrible things the world was saying about me. When Lauren felt my world was judgmental and I had no safe place to feel not judged even if only for an hour, she instantly switched me to in person. This truly changed my life, with her caringness and compassion I had a one hour escape each week to get away from the judgement of the rest of the world. Lauren’s beautiful and kind soul and the way she treats me like I am a genuine good person has taken away my plan to commit suicide. When I expressed a desire to be described in a positive way, she found a way to make that happen through a typed list of affirmations that she created for me and about my positive qualities she sees in me. Reading the list over makes me realize that there are people in the world that don’t see me as a monster or a horrible person and it comforting to know Lauren in one of those people. Lauren never knew this, but before our first session I had never planned to live past the weekend. Lauren was a able to accomplish something no one else ever was and that was to breakdown my wall and change me as a person.

You have truly touched my soul in ways you cannot imagine. Had it not been for your compassion, caringness, and kindness towards me and your willingness to see me as a person and not a monster, I would honestly would not be here today. You have been the sunshine in my life that has eliminated all the stormy clouds. When I have a bad day and feel the world in judging me, I always think of your kindness and general way of treating me like I am a good person to remind myself, good people are not like those telling me I am horrible, good people are like you. I thank God that he has brought you into my life at one of my most challenging times. Without you I would have continued my life feeling I was a horrible person and a monster and would have accepted my life and my diagnosis and left my disease wrap its finger around my life. You gave me the desire and strength to fight to get on the right medications and get a better diagnosis. It is because of you that I have more clarity in life and will truly make the best of the life I will be dealt. Despite all the reasons in the world to look at me in a negative light, you have decided to continue to show me empathy and compassion not because it is your job, but because you truly care about me and my mental health. You truly make me a happier person because I know that you view me in a different lens than the rest of the world and you give me hope that others will one day she me through a different lens. I will never forget the kindness you have shown toward me and will be a different person because of it.  You are a true picture of grace, mercy, and what a person should truly be like. I am so grateful you have come into my life, and I know I will be a better person as a result of meeting you and getting to experience your beautiful and kind soul each week. I thank you for showing me how to have strength in the face of adversity. Most of all I thank you for showing me compassion when no one else will and for changing my mind on committing suicide.