June 8, 2022

So today I was informed by my therapist that she would be going part time. Unfortunately, I now fear I will lose her as my therapist. Will it once again be a repeat in history, where I finally let someone in and open to them to only have it be for nothing as that person either exits my life or destroys me. My mind keeps racing with thoughts, wondering if therapy was a mistake, with something that is supposed to help me conquer my mental illness be the thing that finally destroys me. I always feared going to therapy, but this therapist right from the first moment we met, make we feel at ease and willing to partly let me guard down and let her in. I know if I lose this therapist, it will be extremely hard for me to open and let someone else in. I felt cared about and understood by my therapist. I feel my walls becoming impenetrable and I know I will find it difficult enough to trust anyone else. With my experience with other therapist in group therapy and from my stay in an inpatient unit, no one compares to my current therapist, with her empathy, general concern for me as her patient, her ability to relate, and her willingness to let me know I’m not alone in this struggle with mental health. Overall, the quality I cherish in my current therapist is she is a therapist because she cares about her patients and doesn’t just do it for a paycheck.

Outside of my issues with potentially losing my therapist, I saw a former girlfriend/ friend at Walmart. She gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. I told her about getting off some of my medications. Then she scolded me for not keeping in touch, but how am I supposed to be when messages after my life went to heck seemed like she could support someone like me. I lost so many friends as a result of my struggle, some I thought I would never lose. Going to therapy has given me a taste of how people truly show support. Sometimes I still long for someone to truly support me and be there for me, but I don’t have that, the only friend that still talks to me a lot is so embarrassed by me that she makes sure to remind me not to tell anyone she talks to me still.