My mental health

For most of my life I have struggled with mental illness whether it be feeling alone and depressed or feeling loneliness whenever I was in a room by myself despite my family being somewhere within the house. Last night were always a huge part of my life, but so too were the day and nights of having no energy. A huge part of my mental health struggles were trauma related especially early on in my youth. Whether it be from bullying, being told I was ugly, and starting to realize the sexual abuse I endured from a very young age by my mom’s boyfriend’s daughter. But truly my mental health struggles were something more, however at the time something I never thought of because talk mental illnesses or mental health occurred never occurred and I never learned about them until my recent stint in college. In my later years I had heard of talk about mental health, but not to the extent I was able to place it with what I was experiencing. Even with the knowledge, my mental illness finally fully kicked in in April 2021 when the girl I was dating video chatted with me to tell me that she had cheated on me. Being cheated on was not something new, but this time it hit worse because I had let the person move in with me. I remember the feelings of helplessness, sadness, not being able to sleep, suicidal thoughts and an eventually suicide attempt. I remember being at work and truly not knowing what I was going to do when at home alone, so I called my dad and told him I didn’t feel safe alone, to this day I don’t think he understood the gravity of the situation. I know many will say “normal reaction to a stressful event” and this isn’t mental illness it is just a reaction to being cheated on. But those people are wrong, this event only elevated the emotions and symptoms I was experiencing. This is truly what kicked off one of the worst years of my life because of being stereotyped by my primary care doctor and being given the wrong medications for my mental illness. Because of this I was hyper manic and unable to sleep but able to function at a high level with no sleep. During this time, I hit some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows. Maybe horrible decisions that are now having dire consequences. So many say find strength in your struggles and come out the other side stronger. For me I am still fighting to find that strength, but small things that I truly treasure have occurred during the last several months, so I am find small pieces that give me a desire to push forward. I still have overwhelming highs and lows and thoughts of suicide were my mind put a perfect plan together, but it is my love of showing gratitude that pushes me through it because there is one incredible lady that I need to show and express my gratitude toward. My mental struggle is real and not a normal reaction to stress and it is one of the most horrible things for people to devalue something they have no understanding of because they are not in your mind. It is because of the hatred of being devalued that allows me to show a high level of empathy with others going through a struggle. No one deserves to take away the value of someone else’s struggle and no one going through a struggle should have to be the one to give value to their own struggle because a mental health struggle is bad enough. Also no one should ever be ridiculed and harassed for stand by someone’s side that is going through a mental health struggle.