November 2, 2022

I am in a mental funk. My mental health is so bad that I am experiencing nausea and despair not wanting to live another minute because the emotion and mental pain is so much. I have an overall feeling of not knowing how I will make it through the minute let alone the next second. I am in crisis, and it is a scary thing. It is such a scary thing to have lost your mental health so much. Only one time have I ever felt like this before and it was the toughest time of my life, just searching for something to live for. Other don’t understand the degree of mental and emotional pain I am feeling because no one can walk in my shows and feel what I feel. I am so afraid to reach out for help because every time I do people tell me I am just having a normal reaction to a stressful event, but nothing about what I am feeling is normal or not concerning. No person no matter the stress in their life should feel total despair or a feeling of not knowing how they will make it through the minutes or seconds before them. As I sit here all I can think about is how to alleviate the mental and emotion pain I am feeling. Part of me wants medications, but in order to get the desired effect I have to take high dosages and the other part sees suicide as way to alleviate my pain. I am going to hold on for tonight and see my therapist to see if she can help me work through the pain, but a huge part of me knows that will be a wait because lately she is all about devaluing me and what I am feeling and telling me I am having a normal reaction to stress. Fuck that shit because as I have already said nothing about what I feel is normal. People going through stress don’t struggle with wanting to live or die. People don’t feel overwhelming fear and despair. I just wish God would bring someone into my life that sees what I am going through and values my pain and wants to help me work through it and survive. But seeing as how I have lots almost all of my friends that chance is slim.