October 28, 2022
Today I received my sentencing hearing date in the mail. It was something I have been not looking forward to coming in the mail. As soon as I seen the letter my heart instantly sunk, and I got this feeling that shortly my life will is over. My bipolar brain instantly goes to the worst-case scenario. After opening the letter I tried to call Probation to find out about my pre-sentencing interview that my lawyer said I will have to do. They didn’t answer any of my thirty calls and no call back to my message I left. Ever no answer instantly put my mental health into a worrying state of mind. As I sit here I have fear of the unknown, fear of what is going to happen to me, will I get a chance to continue to get on a righteous path or will I be put away for a long time. I have overwhelming worry of what is going to happen to me and how do I prepare everything for that day. My mind is telling me that I need to get my finances in order and have everything I own sold so my dad won’t have to worry about it. I am trying to live each day to its fullest because I don’t feel about November 16th, I will ever have a life again. The hundreds of people that see horribleness in me make me feel that is all the judge will see in horribleness in me too. Another part of me wonders how I will make it to that day without my suicidal thoughts winning the day. I know many of you will say, “O, suicidal just trying to run from your problems,” but it is not that at all and anyone that gets to know me, and my story will know that suicidal fears stem from the overwhelming fear and worry and the emotional and mental pain it has on me. All I can do is hope for the best and live each day like it is my last and kiss my dogs good night and good morning.