September 2, 2022

Today marked the first day of my new medication lineup after my medication change by my psychiatrist yesterday. My morning was tough with feeling dizzy and lightheaded. I think my symptoms are the result of using medications to combat my manic state of mind I am currently in. This is a war I am going to have to get used to with learning to deal with my bipolar disorder. Luckily, I had group therapy this morning to get control over the dizziness. Of course, there was only two of us and the other person isn’t the most talkative, so I used the time to some of the ideas and perspective I have been thinking about lately. I am currently in a manic state, but the number of medications I am currently on are able to knock me out for a few hours of decent sleep, but after about two hours it just extremely light sleep that would best described as resting. Later in the day, I had class which went great, I was manic but not super, probably because of the increase in medications throughout the day. Later in the night however, my mind started and the voice in my head became wide awake. Remind me of my predicament and how it is going to affect nursing school. In class, a girl remembered me from the last job, something I don’t want anyone to do because they create an opportunity for me to get kicked out of nursing school sooner. It is super tough because my mind reminds me of the reality of my life, but I still have a strong desire to help people and care for sick people and my overall strong passion for mental health and helping to make a difference in mental health. To combat this part of my bipolar disorder, I decided to take my medication early and just like most of my day, I get a numb feeling emotionally and am unable to feel or express true emotions.

I really want to take back my narrative and control the story that is told about me, but despite my best efforts not many people care enough about my story or hearing what I have to say. I pray and I wish that I could get someone to care about my story and help it spread. Why is it so hard in today’s society to find people that care and want to hear the story from the person and not someone else. I know after my two suicide attempt I combed the internet looking for people telling their story and how they got better, but sadly there isn’t many because people are afraid to tell their story. Most of what I found was stories put out by a news company about people’s stories. How can you truly believe what the media put out here, let’s be honest they are trying to generate income and having completely true stories isn’t going to generate income in a society that stereotypes and stigmatizes mental health so much. I have been getting more and more courage working with my therapist and psychiatrist, but when I try to make videos or post to tell my story, I still get nervous for the judgements that have come by way before about my voice sounding gay or being ugly, or being someone that no one cares about.