September 5, 2022: The Truth

The truth…

The truth…

For nearly all my life I was bullied and picked on, the point of comedic relief for people, a verbal punching bag. All of my life I have been told I am ugly, scrawny, undesirable, someone that will be alone forever, a nerd, a dork, a loser, someone that no one cares about, for a better part of my youth I was referred to as trailer trash because of where I live growing up, weird, been told I was gay due to being single most of my life, and for a better part of my life I was referred to as a criminal despite no one ever wanting to know my story. Truth is I am a suicide attempt survivor that has attempted suicide three times

Truth is, I am a loser, ugly, a nerd, a dork, someone no one cares about, and every insult ever thrown my way. I see it every day, people don’t care about me, the pity me, I see it in the views of my blog that only gets a couple views a day, I see it in the lack of friends on Facebook which currently sits at zero friends, I see it in my twitter and Instagram for my blog that both sit at zero followers, I see it in the number of people that watch my YouTube videos on mental health that sit below ten views and average less than 10 seconds of watch time. I am undesirable, people comment and say they can’t stand my voice and I sound gay. People tell me my content sucks. Well, I speak from the heart both in my videos and blog post. To me it is an outlet to try to get my thoughts out of my head and in some small way combat the monster that lives in my head. Yes, it sucks that no one cares, and that I am labeled so much a loser that people don’t view my content. Truth is, I am extremely passionate about mental health. I think back now to all the job interviews I had and despite my qualifications and amazing interviews, I never got picked and I think about it and I can’t help wondering if people saw me a loser, ugly, a nerd, undesirable.

Truth is, people were right about most of it. I was so ugly that no one desired to want to date me and when they did want to go on dates it was unbeknown to me for comedic relief. Problem for them, they went on a date as a joke with there friends, but feel because of my kindness and niceness. I remember my first real girlfriend, Alexa. I was so excited, someone actually wanted to go on a date with me, it was amazing. I was blinded, blinded enough that on the first date we went to see the movie, She’s Out of My League. Funny right, a guy that is ugly, a loser, a nerd, and all the other nice things I’ve been told I am going on a date to see a movie about a character just like me. Part way through the movie, the girl leaned over and said, “This movie reminds me of you and me.” Man was I dumb, if I was so beaten down by people and just wanting someone to want to be with me I would have left that girl there. After a year of dating, I found out she had never had any intention of going on a second date and only went on the date because her friends and her thought it would be funny to play a trick on me. But, she fell for my niceness and kindness. She later go on to cheat on me many times and eventually steal my identity and cause legal issues for me. She painted a narrative of me to people that destroyed my reputation with people, she took my narrative away from me and controlled my story because once she told her story, no one believed the story told by me.

Alexa was my first taste of what someone can do to you when you have a mental illness, but truly don’t know what is happening to you. She made my mental illness worse and truly she didn’t care, she once told me she was always on the fence of loving me for the amazing person I was and playing a funny joke on me. She made me do things I am not proud of, what I learned from. So, it is time to take back my narrative. So here is my narrative in regard to Alexa. As I already stated, Alexa went on a date with me because her friends and her thought it would be funny to go on a date and hurt me. She cheated on my for almost all of the relationship because she never could get past playing it as a joke to her friends and actually caring about me because I treated her good.  The relationship with Alexa went sour when she stole my identity the first time to get a student loan, It upset me a lot, but she had a way of making me feel like no one else would want me which was probably true, but no even her really truly wanted to me with me. So she messed with my mind and made me let it slide as she promised to not do it again and promised we would be together forever. So, a semester passed and then she did it again, but this time it wasn’t just a student loan, it was also a car loan. A car loan she forged my signature and went with her dad to a family friend’s dealership to get a car. This time I tried pressing charges but was told that I had to contact the bank first and they had to press charges. Alexa got wind of this and beat herself up and told her dad that I did it. So, her dad contacted the police and I got charged with harassment which was later dropped as she knew it was a bullshit story. After this incident she sent me messages saying she was going to commit suicide to which I called the police and they passed it off because it was the same police that charged me with harassment. Shortly after, Alexa started defaulting on the loans and told me that if I wanted to ruin her life she would ruin mine. So, in desperation, I began stealing from my employer to pay the loan payments. My mental health was so bad, my mind told me to keep doing it even though I knew it wasn’t right. Something I am not proud of. Somehow, Alexa found out and reported me. This resulted in me getting a felony and hitting a three month long battle with my mental health resulting in my having non-stop suicidal thoughts, depression, an inability to sleep, and losing everything including my ability to find employment, assets, money, and my life. This was truly a horrible time for me. This depression eventually led to me attempting suicide by wrecking my car, but I forgot the most important part of vehicular suicide, that being unfastening my seatbelt. I eventually found my light when I sold three ninja turtles action figures to get money to buy a dog, so I had something to live for. I didn’t care if I had food or anything, all I cared about was that dog, Cato. Cato brought joy back in my life in the darkest moments of my life at the time. He truly was my best friend. For year after I was eventually able to find employment, I constantly feared people would find out about me, I feared every time someone started googling people they worked with in fear they would find a newspaper article about me.

This eventually lead to me getting a job at a hospital, something everyone told me I would never be able to do. It was quite the accomplishment for me. I loved it, the interactions with patients and eventually getting a role as a Nursing Assistant where I could actually help people. The patients were amazing and so were the coworkers at the time. I remember two males twins, Richard and Randy being super nice to me and four of my female coworkers, Brianna, Erica, Jackie, and Tamara being super nice and amazing to me. Eventually they all left for other jobs or retired. Despite these nice people, they rest of my coworkers were harsh. Telling me I was ugly, a nerd, a loser, a dork, telling me I asked everyone out and flirted with everyone. I still feared they would find out about me. I remember one co-worker would constantly ask people out for me without my consent. Every time, they reactions were harsh and a huge hit to my self esteem and mental health and embarrassing for me. I remember another co-worker would constantly tell me I was ugly and that she would never date someone like me. Someone like me? A caring, nice, kind person that would do anything for anyone. That made no sense. For eight years, I would endure the bullying of being reminded I was undesirable and ugly, and a loser. Eight years of having people asked out for me to only be embarrassed every time.  

During this time, my friend at the time that was also very harsh to me, asked a girl out on my behalf named Steph. Things with Steph were good until, people found out. Then same the bullying. Being made fun of for dating a big girl and the one thing that really got me being told she would realize about the true me. The “true me” comments were about me being a loser, ugly, and such. But to me this was a comment that hit deeper, this comment kicked my fear of people especially Steph or her friends finding out about me and my past. This put such fear in me that I looked for every excuse to avoid Steph. Eventually she kicked me to the curb and destroyed me. She kicked me into a depressive state, but this time it was easier to control because I had a sense of relief that she would never find out about me. But it still hurt because it made me go back into the undesirable state. Single forever as they told me.

Many years after Steph, a new girl started working with us named Raychelle. Raychelle got wind I had a decent amount of money and began flirting with me and asking me out all the time. Eventually I gave in and went on a date with her unbeknown she was after my money. The entire time I always thought, why would someone that looks like her want a guy like me. I went with it because I wanted someone to want me. Eventually I left her move in so she could get full time. Little did I know the entire time she was with me her dad was after her to get rid of me. Eventually the relationship went sour after living together because she thought moving in would be a free ride and not mutual endeavor. This led to her dad not wanting me to attend a wedding for her friend. So, I didn’t go, I didn’t want to ruin her friend’s wedding. At the wedding her family and friend encouraged her to cheat on me which she did. I got to find this out the next day when she wouldn’t return my texts or calls. Eventually later that night she video called me to tell me she cheated. She continued to tell me he was hot unlike me. She told me it was nice to be with someone that was actually attractive. She told me I never loved her or cared about me. This abuse continued for several months. I hit such a low that night she told me. I had plans to go into my garage and start every gas engine up and commit suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. But I called my friend at the time and he talked me out of it. My suicide thoughts continued to intensify and lead to me being awake for over 120 hours straight. Eventually I called my dad and asked him to come stay with me because I didn’t feel safe. That keep me relatively safe, but it didn’t stop my second suicide attempt by hanging. After this attempt I decided to seek medical help and was told by my doctor I had adjustment disorder, a diagnosis at the time I didn’t realize was invalidating me and taking away anything I was truly experiencing. My doctor told me not sleeping was normal for what I was going through.

In the beginning I found a little relief from my symptoms, mainly from feeling like an emotionless zombie. But overall my symptoms got worse, my mind started racing, suicidal thought came more frequently, my inability to sleep would allow me to sleep for three to four hours, but I would eventually lead back into not sleeping for several days. My doctor told me it was normal with the medications I was prescribed and with what I was going through. Eventually my manager at the time took me to the Emergency Room and the doctor began asking me about my finances and told me I was manic, but never spoke anymore what it meant to be “manic” in my eyes it felt like an attack on what I had achieved financially. He recommended an inpatient stay, but the wait for a bed was over two weeks, so he left me go home with just a suicide contract and action plan. This would have been the chance to get me a right diagnosis, but ultimately resulted in a failure. After this point I would be prescribed more medications and dosage increases by my primary care doctor even though I told him my symptoms were getting worse. Eventually I reached a point where I just accepted this was how it was going to be. I was in a position I couldn’t just stop my medications, so I was forced to take medications that made my mental state worse. Now that I understand my mental health more, these medications made my manic state be on a sugar rush.

This went on for almost a year, in that year I had lost Cato right before his birthday and then February 2022 hit and I lost my job because Raychelle, contacted the hospital and said I was stealing stuff. This was the furthest from the truth, I had bought medical supplies a local thrift store to sell to supplement my income while I was in school. This was a huge blow to me and destroyed me mentally. A few days later my dad’s house burned down. A few months later, I went in for interrogation with the police and after making my initial statement I don’t remember anything other than attempting suicide that night by overdose and the next morning when the local mental health agency showed up at my house and made me go to the hospital. Apparently the day before I admitted to the fire and told my dad I was going to kill myself little did he know I actually tried. During my stay at the hospital I saw numerous doctors and psychiatrist and was told the same thing adjustment disorder and once again was given new medications and higher dosages which just like the medications before made my symptoms even worse. My symptoms got so bad on the new medications that I went to my primary care doctor with new knowledge I had gained from school on mental illness and with knowledge I have a family history of bipolar disorder in my family. I was told by my doctor in that visit I don’t have bipolar disorder and I actually don’t have depression or anxiety and I just can’t deal with life events. This continued until I decided to get myself help and go to therapy. Therapy would result in me meeting Lauren who actually listened to me and validated what I was going through and told me to advocate for myself and try to get a psychiatrist. In the first few months Lauren had diagnosed me with Bipolar 1 Disorder with PTSD right before I got an appointment with a psychiatrist. This led to me meeting Charlene, the first doctor that actually listened to me and cared about me. Within minutes, Charlene validated what I was going through and told me I was in fact right that I have Bipolar 1 Disorder with psychotic features and PTSD. She informed me I was right that my medication were making my mental health worse because they were the wrong medications. So started the long journey of getting off the wrong medications and getting on the right ones.  

After meeting Charlene my symptoms have gotten a lot better, and I am getting clarity I haven’t had in a long time. I know there is still a long journey ahead of me. Clarity and a better mental state does not come without its drawbacks. Clarity makes me wonder if all the negative thing about me are true. Am I so undesirable and ugly that no one will ever want to me be with me. I have fear that no one will ever hire me. I am about to plead guilty this week to a crime I have no recollection of and one that will truly change the course of my life. I have fear that makes me wonder if Lauren genuinely cares or if she just views me as criminal as the rest of society. Clarity has made me wonder if the hundreds of nasty Facebook messages I got were right that I no one would care if I committed suicide and in fact people were be happy if I did. Clarity has made me realize my passion for mental health and helping others may never be received by others as I sit here with only three views to my blog, no Facebook friends, zero twitter or Instagram followers for my blog, and no true views to my YouTube videos. Clarity makes me question will anyone ever care about me or my story or will everyone just accept the story told by the media as my story and others that don’t know me or my story. Clarity also makes me wonder if the crime they say I committed is true. Could the failure of the healthcare system and my mental state created by a hyper manic state have made me unable to make good decisions. I wonder will anyone ever look past the criminal label and see the true me and want to me with me and build a life together.  Will anyone ever not see me as being undesirable, a loser, ugly, a nerd? Will anyone ever give me a change with employment and allow me to build a career? Will I ever truly get to be a mental health advocate or will the fate so many have predicted continue to be true?

The fight for my life is on and it is a solo battle with a few supporters, but supporters that don’t have their true intent known and supporters that often feel more like they are in it for continued drama than wanting to see me succeed.

The truth is I will see be known as a felon once again. Truth is I will forever be skinny or as some people call it scrawny. I will still not having a following that allows me to share my story and advocate for mental health. I will most likely remain single for the rest of my life because who will want to date a felon that is ugly, a loser, and many other things. Truth is I may never find new friends. The truth is I will most likely not have anymore views on my blog, or Facebook friends, or twitter or Instagram followers. But the truth is this is my story and I will continue to try to take back my narrative. The truth is I am grateful for ever person that smiles or says hi to me in public. I am grateful for all the good things no matter how small. I am grateful for god. I am grateful for anyone that looks at my blog or YouTube videos. Gratitude is one of the most important things to me.