September 6, 2022
Today was featured a whirlwind of mental states and mental emotions. My medication state today was better than usually with regards to feeling numb. I feel like my recent medication changes has brought clarity and emotions that I haven’t truly felt or delt with in a while. Therapy started out on a poor note, well I should say pre therapy. My therapist asked me to come in early, so when I arrived I called the number she called me from and a girl answered the phone by the name of Laura, but I heard Lauren,, so I said “I am down here for my appointment whenever you want to come down to get me” The girl on the other line was like I have no clue what you are talking about. This resulted in back and forth and ultimately resulted in me feeling extremely embarrassed. But the mental health aspect came into play because the voice in my head started telling me I needed to commit suicide because I would never live down the embarrassment. Luckily Lauren my therapist came down and we started therapy. For the second week in a row, I was elevated as Lauren calls it, but in simpler words, manic. I am all over the place and she told me it is hard for her to get me to not go all over the place. It was a helpful session overall. She wants me to join a 12 week grief group therapy to help me deal with the grief from the things I have lost and will lose as a result of the legal trouble I am in. Anything that will help, I am willing to try, especially since I feel group therapy on Fridays is just social hour for the other members. I posed a great question to Lauren today of “How many females would eb willing to give someone a second chance that has a record” She claims many. I disagree with her, but who knows. I hope deep down she is right.
After therapy I went to get my items, I won at the auction. I will discuss this more in another post, but all I will say is I meet someone that takes the best of Lauren and Charlene from therapist and psychiatrist, combines it and multiples it by a hundred. She truly left an amazing impact on my day.
Emotional highs can only last so long though, because later in the evening, I went to Walmart with my dad and the district attorney that is against me started talking to my dad like old buddies. This brought sadness and fear into my body. Fear because he is the one that wants to see me rot and wants blood. Sadness because my dad would be buddy buddy with someone trying to take out his son.
This led to an emotional roller coaster that unfortunately I was unable to get a grip on. So I self medicated with my Atarax my psychiatrist took me off. Because of a lack of another PRN medication, I have to use what I have no matter the after effects.