Suicide

Suicide…

It was February 2012, I had just been charged with Retail Theft for $29000. MY girlfriend at the time, revealed to me she had been cheating on me the entire relationship and had struggled with being in a relationship because she had feelings for me versus being in a relationship because of her original reason as a joke amongst her friends to hurt me. At this time I had entered my second month as being on the couch unable to deal with my depression and suicidal thoughts and not know there was help, help for someone with no health insurance. I remember calling the suicide hotline talking to the less helpful person in the world and feeling more like a failure. So, my mind went to work for another month while lying on the couch in a state of extreme depression. Eventually I came up with a plan to commit suicide by vehicular suicide. I did my research and it seemed like a sure fire way to die. So, my plan was to drive my car as fast as possible into the guardrails and launch myself in a wood area. Luck for me I was so caught up in the plan part I forgot the most important part for my plan to work, unbuckling my seatbelt. That saved my life that night. Eventually this resulted in me realizing I needed to do something, but my lack of insurance made me realize it had to be done by myself. So, I found an article online that said get something to live for. So, found 3 ninja turtles I had from my childhood and sold them for $350, enough to get a yellow lab puppy. He was the most amazing thing in my life and truly saved my life. I didn’t care if I ate, all I cared about was that puppy and eventually his unconditional love toward me gave me the strength to get my life together.

My second suicide attempt came in 2021, when a girlfriend I left move in with me so she could get a full time job using her degree destroyed me. It was March 2021, her father didn’t want me attending a wedding, so she went without me. The next day she would answer my text or return my calls. Later that night she video called me. On the video call she told me she cheated and that it was nice to be with someone attractive, that I never cared or loved her, and many more hurtful things. Later she revealed she had been cheating on me the entire time. This sent me into a whirlwind of depression, anxiety, and inability to sleep or function. All my mind could do was replay her hurtful words and actions. My mind replayed every negative comment ever thrown my way about my looks, being undesirable, and a loser. I once again didn’t know what to do. Eventually I made an appointment with my primary care doctor and was prescribed some meds, but they made my symptoms way way worse. MY tipping point came in April when a fellow co-worker who lost their father to suicide, was so upset by my mental state she was crying in the breakroom and unable to come out to clock out. So, lying on the couch that night, my mind kicked in and played through possible suicide attempt methods. My mind played but my body was unable to move until the idea of suicide by hanging came into my head. This attempt failed also, so I realized I need to change and improve my life. So despite my meds making my symptoms worse I tried to do better on my own. It was truly a struggle to fight a mind on steroid because of the medications. I made bad decisions, but was unable to make sound decisions because of the result of my medications.

My third suicide attempt came this year in March, when I was interrogated for the fire at my dad’s house. My mental health kicked in during the interrogation and I don’t recall anything after my initial statement until I got home and decided to attempt to overdose on my psych medications. This attempt failed also. This attempt got me taken to the ED and an inpatient stay on a psych unit. But once again I was given medications that only made my symptoms worse. Ultimately though I eventually decided to self-advocate and got into therapy and met Lauren. A few months later I would finally get a psychiatrist that actually listened to me and wanted to help. This is the start of my journey with so many unknown variables, but this time I have two amazing women in my corner, and I thank God everyday for these two amazing people and for every interaction I have with people that are not like the negative people of my past.

I am a three time suicide attempt survivor, this is my journey. This is my journey that results in the end of this viscous cycle of poor mental health, this is the end of my viscous cycle of suicide attempts. This is the start of something new, something amazing. Ultimately the chance of me getting a criminal record are high, but the amazing women that support me and don’t view me as criminal give me faith that I will one day find new friends that support and care about me and maybe someday someone that wants to be apart of my new journey, my better journey. One thing I have learned from my struggles is society places so much of a stereotype on people with struggles that people are afraid to share their stories. To me it is important to share my past struggles and the journey with people. I have been stigmatized and stereotyped my entire life, so I have gained a strength stronger than any of my doubters that I will share my story openly and finally take back my narrative.