The cost of friendship

Scrutiny, Criticism, Ridicule, questioning, shaming and interrogation. These are all that await those that stand by my side and associate with me and be friends with me. One of the only people that still talks to me from when I worked in the hospital called me tonight and told me how many people criticized her for getting me a birthday present and for still talking to me. With one individual stating I ruined everyone’s life that ever cared about me and another stating that I am a horrible person, a criminal and criticizing her kind gesture. Public shaming was also incurred by the person as the individuals’ brought others into the mix. The last thing in this world is for someone to be harassed for associating with me and being my friend. I would rather be a loner and have no friends and associate with no one then have that be a requirement of being my friend or associating with me. I know many people call me selfish, which is the furthest thing from the truth. I am the most selfless person and I feel it is a selfless act to be willing to give up a friendship, so they don’t have to experience shaming like I have. I understand that it is the person’s choice, but it is sad that people act like this for someone just being a good person and caring about someone. The problem is this isn’t an isolated incident, another girl that one or twice a month texts me to see how I am doing or to tell me to have a good week or day, is afraid that people will find out she associates with me for fear of the backlash and ridicule from others.

These actions by people like I said make me consider ending the friendship to stop the person having to face the backlash. I would rather be a loner and suffer alone. It makes me truly wondering how I will ever have friends because it is a tall order to ask someone to have to endure. Also, how could I ever expect someone to want to be in a relationship with me if the backlash is so bad for just associating with me, being my friend, and getting me a birthday present.  One thing I can prove from the backlash though is that the abuse and bullying I talk about from the past eight years is true because it is the same thing, I incurred just in a different form from judgement of all my social interactions and being accused of asking every girl out. Also, the constant torment from the two individuals that initiated the harassment of telling me I am undesirable, ugly, a loser, a nerd, and so many other hateful remarks. I fear though that the harassment and bullying from these people will mirror that of the rest of society and friend circles for anyone in the future that wants to be friends or have a relationship. Maybe it is true relationships and friendships are not for me because I just bring everyone down. In this case with scrutiny by peers for those that associate with me.