Thoughts September 27, 2022

My mental health and I have been in a rocky relationship for awhile now. Constant reminders of the uncertainty that faces my future life. Will I loss school, be put in jail for 20 years, be given home confinement. The uncertainty is big, but I have decided to live my life to the fullest while I still can. My first adventure I did in August when I took my mom to Kentucky to see Noah’s Ark. My next adventure involved me making my dad go to a concert at the local fair to see Joan Jett and The Blackhearts. On top of all this uncertainty my medications have been causing me a wealth of issues between be on a rollercoaster of emotional states throughout the day to bad headaches and nausea that Zofran won’t touch and adverse effects from pain relievers. I got no relief from call my psychiatrist’s office, only a response of go to the ER. Going to the local ER for anything psych related automatically get you a volunteer commitment for psych treatment aka an inpatient stay. My last inpatient stay was worthless on the health care provider side of things, the only positive came in the form other patients that actually understood what I was going through, today before group I was having suicidal thoughts because I just want the pain to go any and the constant state of nausea to go away. I had piano wire in my cart at Amazon and was ready to go. Then group hits and every update ended or started with how the person viewed each and everyone of as friends and partners in struggles. Damn, how could I commit suicide and put two of the three that had family members commit suicide through a suicide of a friend. I keep trying to get help, but it just seems like every time a new and different roadblock occurs.