Why do I torture myself

Why Do I Torture Myself

Why do I torture myself every time I decide to watch a movie. Despite it being just that, a movie. I always seem to pick a movie that is about love or relationships or a romantic comedy. For some reason any tip of relationship in a movie gets to me and torments me. It gets my mind going and thinking about how nice it would be to have a relationship with someone that actually cares about me or is nice. It makes my mind remind me of the now 36 years of life without a good relationship with someone nice or someone that cares. It makes my mind remind me of the reality of my life, the reality that I am in a big mental health struggle and facing a criminal record. I heard so many people in my time working at the hospital of people especially females hating on any patient that has a criminal record or even people in the newspaper for crimes. This is unfortunately my own insider reference group for how females will perceive me. The only contradictory statement I have is from my therapist, Lauren who says tons of women would date someone with a record, I sometime feel it is in her job responsibilities to be nice to me. The sample size I have to reference is more toward the would never give someone with a record a chance no matter their story. Despite all this I am extremely hopeful. I try to use my experience lately with the three nice females I have had interactions with as hope that I could someday get someone kind and nice like them. Unfortunately, in the end my bipolar brain fights hard to repress any hope I get. It continues to torture me, but I just know that when that special someone that wants to get to know me and isn’t put off by the legal stuff that I will then be able to conquer this part of my bipolar mind.