My struggle is real

It took group therapy tonight to really make me realize my life and mental health are truly spiraling out of control. Grief group as I have talked about before truly makes me feel out of place, not because I am not grieving the loss of something but because I am in such a mental health struggle right now that I can fully focus on grief. I deal with grief related to my current mental health struggle, but there is so much more that I need to grieve over. Today I went first for updates from the past week and as I started talking about all the bad things from the previous week it was like I was being by a car with each negative I talked about my mind projected to me how truly big my struggle is. I am in the state where I no longer want to attend individual therapy because I feel so devalued by my therapist and I no longer want to attend my trauma group therapy because I am over getting attacked for talking about my battle with suicidal thoughts. My grief group are more understanding and never attack me, but I feel out of place even though probably none of the members see me that way. Tonight, I used humor to masks the pain I was feeling talking about all the negative form the week. The only time I felt relief was talking about the kindness Jessica showed me yesterday at the hospital with her hug. I think I have hit the breaking point, but I have been so devalued by people in my life that are supposed to be helping me that I no longer know who to talk to them about because do any of these people that have devalued my mental health truly care or believe me. I have such overwhelming fear about anything and everything. I have these overwhelming thoughts that no one truly cares about me or anything I have to say. I have thoughts that many more people are devaluing my struggle just like my therapist. I have gotten to the point that I no longer feel comfortable verbalizing with these people the struggles I am going through. So, I feel my best options are to utilize a written form of self-therapy through posting to my blog, www.bipolartater.com, and on TheMighty.com. I have truly come a long way being more comfortable sharing my story and life with the world. I have gotten lots of positive feedback and it truly means the world to get nice comments from people and positive encouragement. It shows there are great people out there willing to take time out of there life to comment to someone they don’t even know. It is so valuating to read post from people with a similar diagnosis and being able to relate my symptoms and struggles with them. It gives me a value that I do have my mental health diagnosis. And it is this value that gives me the ability to learn to deal with it. Instead of the questioning of am I a phony, someone unable able to deal with life, an attention seekers that truly does not have depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder as a result of being devalued by those who I value.