Struggling with my mom’s death
I am really struggling as of lately with my mom’ death. For one something still doesn’t sit right with me how a woman deathly afraid of water can drown herself. Right now and since August 17th I have so much hatred in my heart and love in my heart at the same time. I feel the hatred is starting to win out.
Let me give a little background. My mother was found in the river on August 6th and the one time I was allowed at her house since was to get clothing for the funeral. A funeral that my sister and I had to plan because her husband just wanted her cremated and thrown in the woods. Something I fought with him over. I wanted a funeral with a service, viewing, and cremation. To which he said he was not paying anything toward. To me if was a whatever I wanted my mom to have the burial she deserved and for my sister and I to get the ashes.
Since then, we have been told we are not allowed at the house anymore, while his relatives take all of my mom’s things, leaving nothing for my sister and I to have as memories. In addition, she left my sister and I nothing in the will or in any life insurance. This was a giant hurt that she forgot about her only children the one’s that made sure you had a proper burial.
I feel like garbage for having so much hatred, because I want my mom back and I can’t have that and the next best thing is memories but he husband is denying us that. It’s hard to stop my mom from running to a feeling that she only cared about her husband and not her kids. For a few days I forgot entirely about her death, but now thought of memories good and bad keep rushing in. I now find myself arguing with my mind or spirit so my mom to get out of my head.
The gofundme page I stated to help pay for my mom funeral were attacked by people spreading newspaper articles about me having a record and by people saying I killed my mother. So not much money was raised.