I am normal… Why I choose to suffer in silence.

They say your fine, just get over it, you just need to learn to handle life, the life you created for yourself. Some tell me nothing is wrong that I just have an inability to handle stressful events in my life. Other tell me that if they had my issues, they wouldn’t have any issues at all. These are just a few of things I am constantly told on a continuous basis. These are the things that make me want to suffer in silence, I try to express it in worlds, but the magnitude of my struggle I feel never truly comes out. I still suffer in silence afraid to truly express the pain and struggle I go through everyday. I try to express it but I don’t feel it every fully comes out.

I sit here right now not feeling normal like everyone tells me I am. I instead sit here with an overwhelming fear, a fear that that people are watching me everywhere I go and taking my picture like the girl did last week. I have overwhelming fear that the final outcome of my struggle will not be peace and control, but instead death, the death of me. The media doesn’t care about me, Nathan the individual going through the most difficult time of my life. The media only cares about selling newspapers no matter who’s life they destroy or how many lives they destroy. The media would probably love it if I committed suicide, I am sure it would make the front page of the paper, just like the last two of their stories about me did. I sit here in fear not because it is a natural reaction to a stressful event in my life, like so many like to tell me, but because of something else, something bigger. For many people they fear clowns or ghost, but for me I fear myself, the monster that is inside of my head. For me not only sit here is fear, but also with overwhelming sadness, sadness not only cause by the thoughts in my head, but by feeling like I have no one to talk to about my mental struggles. My family are out since my dad gets defensive and my mom gets embarrassed. My therapist is out because she tells me I am normal and just can’t handle life. My Tuesday group is out not because they wouldn’t listen, but because they are truly going through struggles, struggles larger than any human should have to endure. My Friday group therapy is out because I get chewed a new on by a member and told if he had my issues, he wouldn’t have any issues.

Let talk about issues. My mental state has for some reason eliminated my brains ability to suppress memories, memories that bring back trauma and mental pain. For those that say I am normal and nothing is wrong, I would love to see what they would be like having seen your first naked female before they were even in kindergarten, having performed oral sex on a female before they were in kindergarten. I would love to see them handle the major depression that comes with someone stealing your identity and getting your fired from your job and legal trouble. Not knowing if you will make it to the next day because you have no will to live and the pain from your depression is so unbearable. Not knowing if you will find someone willing to give you a second chance and offer you a job so you can provide for yourself. I would love to see them be tormented every day, having every one of their social interactions twisted so they can be bullied and the mental anguish that follows. I would love to see them handle a video chat from a girlfriend to tell you they cheated, you are ugly, told you never cared about them or loved them. I know some people will look at all of these small slivers I the trauma I have endured and still endure and say your just having a natural reaction to stressful events. But for me the pain is real and it hurts every time someone tries to take that away by devaluing my struggles and the mental impact it has had. For me I have said numerous times before and even to these people that devalue me that while these were stressful events it often only takes a stressful event to truly bring your mental illness to light.

For anyone that will and if ever try to truly understand my struggles would know that I have for most of my life that I can remember suffered from severe loneliness, loneliness that I remember I would feel if I was in one room and my rest of my family were in a different room. I remember for a large part of my life I choose isolation from others because of the effects the negativity of society would have on me, whether it be through bullying and chastised for me appearance. I remember for a large portion of my life I constantly had the thought of suicide as a way to end the pain I felt as I suffered alone.

This year I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic features, a diagnosis many people in my life tell me is wrong and that I instead have adjustment disorder. Despite the fact that I could go days with no sleep and still function and other time be so down that I wanted sleep all the time, clear signs of mania and depression. I have a long family history of bipolar disorder yet so many tell me my diagnosis is wrong.

I am so sorry for my thoughts being all over the place, but this is raw and me trying to get the thoughts out of my head. I sit here typing and fighting, fighting the tears from coming out of my eyes, because I sit here struggling in silence. Silences because I fear the treatment of me by society. I suffer in silence trying to hold onto a glimmer of hope created by Jessica the Radiation Oncology nurse that gave me a hug and went against the majority, the majority that is society that looks at me in a horrible light despite never truly asking me my story. I have a small, tiny voice in my head fighting through all the negativity and fear telling me that somewhere out in the world, Jessica cares about me and thinks about me, not in a negative manner but in a manner that want a positive resolution for me in life. That small voice in my head is what keeps telling me that Jessica’s hug symbolized someone telling me they understand I am struggling but she wants me not to suffer alone. I pray that Jessica would be someone that would care if my light went out. I wish I could perform a miracle and get my life together, I pray that I can one day walk up to Jessica and give her a hug and tell her that the small glimmer of hope she gave me that day was the small glimmer that shined through all the darkness and allowed me to prosper and create a life no one thought I could achieve. Hope is such a hard thing for me to find, but it is something after that hug that I got, even if it is just a single piece of sand in desert.

The world is truly not filled with enough Jessica(s), if the world was there would be such a need to suffer alone in silence because they would be people in the world willing to value what you are going through and realize it is something bigger than just a natural reaction to a stressful event. Don’t get me wrong, my psychiatrist is an amazing human being, but with such a shortage in mental health providers, I only get an appointment every three months. So, I have to hope she will hit the nail on the had or it is three long months of suffering, suffering that may or may not be better or worse depending on my body and mind’s reaction to her medication changes. She actually listens to my struggle but is not seen enough to have a truly positive impact. My silent suffering is truly a combination of society and the truly garbage healthcare treatment available for mental health. The hardest thing for someone going through a mental struggle is truly having to suffer alone but suffering alone especially for me has made things not as hard especially the last few months because I try to hide myself from the negativity. The negativity still seems to find its way to me even in my hiding, but I can only truly imagine the negativity that would come by way if I didn’t suffer in silence. I don’t want to suffer alone forever but is it going to take me finding support people and getting a hell of a lot of strength, strength that I know I have but am too overburdened by mental hurt to find.

In closing I hope my overwhelming fear, anxiety, sadness, depression, and suicidal thoughts go away, but for me this is just another day in my life. I sometimes wonder what a day would feel like to have pure happiness and joy. I know so many people telling me I am normal and have no true issues, but why do I not feel this way. Is it because I truly know I am struggling and having a mental health crisis that is not just a natural reaction to a stressful event. I will tell you this my truly favorite things to hear are that I have adjustment disorder and can’t handle life and that I don’t feel depression or anxiety and that being awake and full of energy despite not sleeping is normal. I live how others that are in my body can take away what I am going through and basically tell me to get over it because nothing is wrong. I love how people feel so privileged to tell me what is wrong. I love how people take away the trauma I feel and the effects it has on me. I thank God for Jessica and her willingness to go against the status quo. Wanting to thank Jessica sometime has helped me get over this suicide thoughtful event, but I don’t think it will every time. So, I will continue to suffer in silence. And I now have and overwhelming feeling of fear and dread because tomorrow I go to see my therapist and wonder if I will get the girl that originally gave me value and pushed for me to get my bipolar diagnosis or if I will get the girl that takes away by allowance to have value for my struggle and takes my ability to feel the trauma from my life by constantly devaluing me. She is the one person that I should be able to open up to and the one person that used to give me hope to no longer have to suffer alone and in silence. While the nice thing to say is that no one is broken, the truth is I am broken, broken in the sense of Lego set you just dropped, something that with the right person and support can be once again put back together and no longer be broken.