October 10, 2022

This past week has been a tough week. I have had to a lot of soul searching and digging for a way to come out of my current struggle and to handle future struggles that can hit at anytime. I want people to not bother me so much by there negative actions toward me and I want to be strong enough to be able to handle every newspaper article written about me. This past week’s first set back came in the form of a person I used to work with that always hated me taking pictures of me while I was shopping at Walmart. I was minding my own business and I looked up and there she was taking my picture. I know I need to find strength and not let people hurt me by their actions, but that for me is easier said then done. This hit me like a brick to the face because it made my mind start thinking is this going to be the actions of anyone that knew or knows me. Is there going to ever be more positive actions toward me like when Jessica hugged me to show she cared. My second setback came when I was sharing what had been going on in my life in group therapy over the past few weeks since I hadn’t been in Friday group therapy in a couple weeks. In group I was told by another member that I don’t have real issues and that he wishes he had my issues and struggles because he wouldn’t have any issues. He told me that I create my own issues by letting others bother me and hurt me. But having lost all my friends and being a social being I want people or even someone to like me. I don’t want to dismiss people because for someone reason I care. All this has made my thoughts all over the place. Am I wrong for being hurt by the actions of others toward me?

All of this and the newspaper looking for every time to rip me to shreds in the newspaper make me truly realize how hard it is to heal. There are so few that are willing to stand by me and support me and show they care about me. I hope to one day heal, but I have a fear that people will never let me. I want nothing more than to gather strength and get on with my life. I want to start the life I am supposed to live and move on from this terrible situation I am in because of my mental health. I want to find the people that are going to care about me and support me to help deal with the negative. I want to find people that will listen to what I am experiencing and not tell me that I am wrong for feeling hurt by the actions of others toward me.