Self-esteem

Self-esteem… it is something some people have, and some people don’t. Self-esteem is one’s own positive view of themselves and something that projects to others. For me it is something I have struggled with throughout my life. Some days I have an overwhelming level of self-esteem and can talk to anyone. Other days when my bipolar disorder is at its worst it is something I struggled to muster even the smallest amount of. Long gone are the days where I don’t look at people and think they are judging me. I fear that anyone and everyone can see and know of my struggles. On the inside I feel more broken than ever, but on the outside, I try to project someone that is unbroken. I know it is not true that people with mental illness are broken, but for me it is broken in the sense that I am unable to manage my mental state and unable to suppress all the thoughts going through my mind when I start to shift from a manic state to a depressed state. For me my state of mind can shift during the day. For me self-esteem is being able to get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror and see myself as someone that is going to make the best of the day and not as the monster so many people see me as and as my mind tells me I am. For me my self-respects come in the form of making it through the day and not letting my mental health win. Being someone with bipolar disorder it is hard to find the self-worth that so many people find, it is hard to find when the pills you take are there to help you function. Yet those same pills also make you feel not quite like a normal person. For so long I functioned on a manic high, even after first seeking help, I still functioned on a manic high, unfortunately for me I was given the wrong medications, so it was a hyper manic state. After getting my correct medications and diagnosis I no longer had the hyper manic high and had this diagnosis with little to no information. So, my already battered self-esteem took a giant hit. Self-esteem like my mental health is something I struggle with every day, sometimes it’s good and other days its bad. Some days, the smallest thing by someone gives my self-esteem a giant boast. I recall when I was working, when people would get a new job and leave, they would give hugs to everyone, that is everyone but me, my self-esteem always took a big hit, and my mind would always tell me it was because I am so ugly. The recent hug from Jessica the nurse made me for that day feel like a metaphoric king because someone wanted to hug me, yes me the one that usually no one hugs. I pray to one day get my self-esteem back as well as control of my mental health and most importantly my life.