October 18, 2022

While life is difficult right now with the legal struggle, struggles with mental health, and figuring out life after losing nursing school, I am trying to stay focused on not only improve my mental health, but also improve my physical health. For so long I have suffered medically, and I don’t know out of fear or the social uncomfortableness of going to the doctor, but I have left medical problems go. MY relapsing of swallowing issues I recently got checked out and got an endoscopy to stretch my esophagus and a medication change to combat my swallowing issues. Yesterday, I decided that enough is enough with my breathing issues related to my nasal issues. For a good part of my life, I have suffered extreme congestion and difficulty breathing. So, I got an appointment with the doctor and got a referral to Otolaryngology and found out I have a collapsed nasal passage and deviated septum. So, I was given nasal spray to try for two months and if it doesn’t get better, I will need surgery. Something I have mixed emotions about, fear for surgery and the pain, but happiness because I will be able to breath better and no longer be told I sound nasally or mumble. Sometimes I get so congested it is difficult to talk properly. Also, I always wanted to get my face fixed because of being told I was ugly my entire life, so a fixed nose is a small step to getting a better face. So maybe if it comes to surgery, I may get a little more self-confidence. Group therapy tonight was ok, some of the members said they value my story because it helps them uncover forms of grief, they didn’t realize they have and it gives them the ability to deal with it, with the support of the group therapy atmosphere. For me I am going through a lot right now and I truly don’t know where to focus my grief because my mind is all over the place. Grief of the lost of my dog that gave me something to live for when I had a huge mental health struggle, grief for the lost of my aunt that always believed in me when my world was crashing down, grief for the loss of my step dad that I never got to play Punch-Out on the Nintendo Wii with, grief for the lost of nursing school, grief for the loss of my job and livelihood, grief for the loss of my lifestyle because of my current legal struggle. For me all this grief is fighting with my mental health struggle and the reemergence of memories of past trauma for attention. Grief group did hit a snag for me though as a member discussed suicidal thoughts in her daughter and I could see and hear her hurt. For her hurt was from the pain the actions of her daughter were causing. For me having experienced suicide attempts and thoughts I was able to empathize with her daughter and understand the pain that goes through having your mental health and pain get to the point where your mental health is winning the war. Unfortunately, my fear of confrontation and seeing her pain eliminated my ability to speak up. I feel like a horrible person for not, but I am trying to tell myself I did the right thing and let her express her hurt and not cause any more hurt.